In the land of rom-coms that rely on gender-based stereotypes, it’s common to see portrayals of men who are “in love with the chase” and uninterested in being wrangled by women who just want them to commit.
But craving newness and excitement-or experiencing relationship FOMO once the initial heat cools to a simmer-isn’t limited to one gender. (Or one sexual orientation, for that matter.) And it certainly isn’t uncommon.
“For many people the pursuit of the chase is more enticing and rewarding that the actual relationship itself,” says relationship expert Damon L. Jacobs, licensed ily therapist, and author of Rational Relating: The Smart Way to Stay Sane in the Crazy World of Love.
Jacobs says there are five main reasons why people hop from relationship to relationship in an endless quest to maintain that new-relationship buzz:
1. It Really Is Chemical “In the early stages of falling for someone, your brain is releasing certain chemicals including dopamine, adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine,” says Jacobs. “These are natural hormones that lead to a feeling of happiness and euphoria.” We sometimes confuse these chemical feelings for authentic connections. As a result, Jacobs says, “Once the high is over, so is the relationship for some folks.”
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2. Our Culture Glamorizes Love Most romantic movies tell a story about a man and a woman overcoming some kind of obstacle to be together. “Then, at the end of the movie they find their way together, they embrace, and the credits roll,” he says. “Rarely in arts or entertainment do we ever see what happens after the credits role or how they sustain a meaningful connection year after year.”
That’s because the actual day-to-day work that goes into a long-term relationship usually isn’t very interesting. “A healthy, sustainable relationship would not make a good reality TV show,” says Jacobs. “Society does little to reinforce and validate working together on a connection when thing are difficult.”